What Is My Journey?

Exactly what is my "journey" and where am I going? Wouldn't I like to know! I do know that I'm off on a new endeavor - one that is exciting and scary and gives me butterflies in my stomach. It's a journey that leads me to question whether I should be embracing new horizons, or grieving the loss of endless days of grilled cheese sandwich crusts half-eaten and naps refused to be taken. You see, I'm a "stay-at-home" mom. I love being a mom and I love being at home with my kids. It's what I've always wanted to be and do. I feel completely fulfilled by it. I'm also one of a two-person team in a marriage that is the joy of my life.

About a year ago, my husband and I decided that it was time for me to consider re-entering the workforce. I couldn't stomach the thought of returning to yet another job in what seemed like an endless stream of unimportant, jobs. You know, I mean the J-O-B job (we've all had one). If I was going to give up being at home with our children full-time, it had to be for something big, something special. I've wanted to go back for a master's degree for about eight years now, and I've also gradually fallen in love with the idea of being a teacher (inspired by my little sister, who is an amazing educator - but more on that later). I began to look into full time master's programs for teaching, and in April was accepted to the University of Colorado at Denver.

Thus I found myself in a small classroom two weeks ago, surrounded by eight of my new Teacher Candidate peers, scarcely able to introduce myself due to the lump rising in my throat. That day was the day that I had to formally take the proverbial plunge, I and knew that at that point I couldn't look back. In the last two weeks I've found myself surprised (at what I'm finding out about education and classrooms today), guilty to be leaving my children during class time and my one day per week of student teaching, even more guilty that I kind of enjoy the time away, utterly fascinated by most everything that I'm reading and learning so far, happy that I have a strong sense that I'm in the right place, doing the right thing, and yes - sad. Sad that I'm leaving behind one dream - the dream of being a "stay-at-home" mom - to pursue another. And that new dream isn't exactly clear-cut. It's not only a dream of being a teacher, but a dream of financial stability for our family (my husband's job is very good, but it's 100% commission).

Throughout this process - which has only just begun - I've found myself keeping a mental monologue going. I decided that a blog might be the way to go. After all, I have successfully journaled many times in the past, and I'm basically tied to my computer now. I so enjoy reading my dear friend Laurel's blog, and find much comfort in the anecdotes and commentaries she writes. Reading her blog was what I needed to get going. I doubt that many people will ever read this, but I know that I'm not alone. I know that many moms out there are struggling with trying to find balance in their lives, trying to juggle dreams with reality, and trying to be everything to everybody. I take comfort in the fact that many women have done exactly what I'm doing, and have led very fulfilled lives and raised happy, healthy children and had great marriages. It's a juggling act though...and I just hope I can keep all of the balls in the air.