Of Learning and Legacies

I find that since my spring semester ended, I'm less inclined to blog. I think it's because my brain went on hiatus. I started my summer session last week, easing into it with my first class. Next Tuesday I will re-enter the academic world with full force, as I start two more classes. That will be three concurrent classes during a four-week period. Anyone who has stopped long enough for me to bore them with the gory details knows that I'm dreading the next month. Already I'm having such a difficult time staying disciplined to do the work from my one class. I'm going to try hard to grin and bear it for four weeks, knowing I have the sweet reward of a family vacation to New Jersey at the end of it all.

Today I realized just how much of an impression my going to school has left on our boys. Whenever I used to leave by myself, the boys would ask, "Mommy, are you going to sing?" Not that I've done a whole lot of singing over the past few years, but I have managed to wrangle a few gigs with my old band. Now however, they automatically assume I'm "going to school". During the fall semester, as Connor was coping with my absence in his own two year-old way, he would tear at my backpack whenever I entered the house and say "Take it off! Mommy, take off your pack-pack!" Now, he's adapted (and thankfully, I think we all have). Today, as I tidied up the kitchen (my way of compensating for a day of doing nothing but lounging with friends who dropped by to visit, and watching my kids play with their friends), Connor decided he wanted an "office". He asked if I would get him the little table from the basement, so I fetched it and set it up for him. He then told me he needed his "'puter", which, as I soon found out, is the portable DVD player taken out of its case. So I set him up with his own little imaginary computer. He proceeded to spend the next 30 minutes writing on index cards with one of my hi-liters, pretending to type on the DVD player and setting up a railroad track next to his desk as part of his "working job" (he has always loved what he calls "working jobs"). When I went over to ask him what he was drawing on the index cards, he told me that I need to be quiet because "I have to study".

Connor "Studying" in His Office

I know that we all know what an impression we are capable of making on our children, but it is eye-opening to have something fly right in your face. For a moment, I felt panic. "Is this the legacy I'm leaving my children? Are they just going to remember that their mom went to school and holed up in her office studying?" Then I looked at it from another perspective - one I was not capable of seeing only a few months ago. I sensed a bit of pride in Connor. He really felt big playing office and studying. I mean, he and his brother have often pretended to be like their dad and have customers, so why not be like Mom too? For the first time I realized that maybe my kids will look back on this time, even if they don't really remember it, and realize how hard their parents had to work to make it all come together. Maybe they'll realize that we're doing it because we love them and we want the best for them and for our family. It's a bit much to expect that realization any time soon, but when they have kids they'll probably understand. If not, at least I'm able to make myself feel better by telling myself they will.