Great Expectations

I know it's a little unorthodox of me to post twice in the same day, but there is definitely a subject that is screaming for attention in my blog...especially since it is taking me on a new path in my journey. I'm 11 weeks pregnant.

I hate the fact that some very good friends will find out this information by reading my blog, and not by me in person, but the fact is that if I waited until I was able to reach everyone, I'd probably be 20 weeks along by the time I was posting about it! I've been wanting to write about this for weeks and weeks, as it has had a huge impact on my plans for the future.

After much debate, which could have been strung out on this blog, but which would have caused you to wonder if I had completely lost my mind (and for awhile, I think I did!), I have decided not to pursue a teaching job for next year. I plan to substitute teach until the baby is born (due December 27th - but more on that later) and take a class (one of the final 3 to finish up my master's). The job search was causing me great anxiety in and of itself, but knowing that if I was hired, I would have to turn around and tell them I need 2 months off was very unsettling. The whole process of interviewing while pregnant and not telling anybody just made me feel like I was duping people. While it's perfectly legal, it's not something I am comfortable with.

When I say that there was "much debate" about what to do next year, what I mean is that I drove every person I know crazy with my hashing and re-hashing of the various scenarios that could take place, based upon me either being employed or unemployed. God bless my sister Megan, also a special ed teacher, who fielded countless questions from me and supported my decision to teach, and then not to teach - also my parents, mother-in-law and other friends who served as sounding boards. My biggest fear, which is that I won't be able to find a job next spring, was cast aside by my adviser (a professor, friend, and mentor). My sheer will to start teaching after 2 years of hard work has now been replaced by the knowledge that I will be a far better wife and mother if I concentrate on having a baby and wait a year to teach. I also realize that being a first-year teacher would be very stressful if I had to take 8 weeks off - especially in special education, where the legalities of paperwork and annual meetings do not pause for maternity leave. I know I couldn't be the kind of teacher that I want to be if I tried to do it all.

Funny...my mom reminded me a couple of weeks ago that during the process of applying for my program, I was so reluctant to go back to school, which I knew would mean giving up being home full-time with the boys. She reminded me of how I sat across from her over lunch the day of my orientation and cried because I wasn't ready for that season of my life to be over. I have loved nothing as much as being a full-time mom. "What would you have said if I told you then", she asked me, "that you would spend two years in school, and then get a year off to have a baby and stay home with the baby?" I thought about that. Actually, it would have been a great comfort and something to look forward to. So my whole dilemma over whether or not to work? I've decided it was more about expectations. And, as my wise sister Heather reminded me, sometimes you have to shift your expectations.

So - here we go...this mom's journey has just been re-routed!