I'm feeling a bit off-kilter today, and I'm not sure why. Connor thrilled and surprised all of us this morning by getting up and dressed with no help and getting off to school without a meltdown. Today would be the first time that's happened since the first day of school. Unfortunately, I blew the whole thing when I dropped him and Kirby off at the front of the school today (where the late people go - and we were late!) instead of the side of the school. So, he ended up squeezing in a meltdown after all, and at the last possible second.
Because I found myself feeling a bit anxious, I decided I would stay for the school mass, which happens every Thursday morning at daily mass. Why is it that my kids groan about going to church every Sunday (they're great once we're there), but on school mass day, they're thrilled to be there with me? I felt truly honored by their hugs and snuggles, and as I listened to the whole school respond "Amen! I believe!" I knew I had chosen the right way to calm my soul and bring peace to my day. There is nothing quite like watching children approach our Lord; and it always brings a smile to my heart.
As I sat in contemplation, I realized that the source of my anxiety was a sub job that I picked up yesterday. In a week, I'll be subbing for 1/2 day at a technology high school in a special ed class - in a kind of rough area. One week ago I would have viewed this as a challenge and a chance to build experience, but today I find that my confidence is completely shaken. I even - for the first time in a LONG time - find myself questioning whether I went into the right field. Can I do this? With what age level will I be the most effective? I take little comfort right now in the words of praise and encouragement I've received from professors, mentor teachers, and interviewers along the way and just keep wondering, "Where will I end up, and will I be able to do it?"
2 comments:
I do this to myself regularly. On the one hand, it's a ridiculous waste of time; on the other, this doubt helps keep me moving forward and trying new things (how does that make any sense at all? this way: self-doubt helps keep me from slipping into complacency.).
You have nothing to worry about. You have absolutely picked the right path for yourself. You are good at what you do and you will continue to get better at it. You are intelligent and imaginative, and these things will help you get past the doubt, which, once again, is useful only insofar in that it helps us examine ourselves.
Now go kick its a**!!!
Anxiety comes with the territory of change. Just know that is what it is. I do not believe, for one second, that you have made a mistake here. You will be a fabulous teacher. I know it. Perhaps all the worry is just the not knowing. Julie McCoy has a hard time letting go and letting be. I imagine until things are settled you will deal with bursts of anxiety. That's when you need friends to say: It is okay. You are going to be great. Trust your instincts. And just enjoy the ride. The answers will come. I believe in you!!!
Love you! xoxox
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