A Not So Good Message

Sometimes it's difficult to say which is harder: knowing or not knowing. I've interviewed for four jobs so far (with two more interviews tomorrow) and have been getting frustrated and not a little bit disappointed by the fact that I haven't heard back - either way - good or bad. It does boggle my mind that people in very professional positions don't take the time to call and let a candidate know when a decision has been made. It's just the courteous thing to do, isn't it?

I had three messages on the answering machine when I got home this evening. Two were for interviews, and one was a rejection - my first for this round of interviewing. It wasn't so much the rejection that bothered me, although nobody likes to hear they're not the person for the job, it was the fact that I had interviewed for (and been rejected for) the same position last spring. It was very humbling to go right back to the same place and try to convince them why this time I really am the right person for the job. There were 11 questions, and only 30 minutes to answer them. I didn't feel good after the interview like I have with the others. It's so hard to really get who you are across to someone in such a short time. The message left by the principal was very gracious, kind, and complimentary. He said that the person who got it has the same "passion and dedication to pedagogy" as me, but has years of experience. It's hard to argue with that.

My sister reminded me tonight that for some reason, that school must not be where God wants me to be. So while I feel a little sensitive and mopey, I do know that everything happens for a reason. It's being in limbo that is so hard to take. Maybe I just need more practice in letting go.

The Moments Before Morning

I guess you could say that I've settled into my new (temporary) job. For the past couple of weeks, I've found myself spending Sunday afternoons in a state of anxiety as the clock ticked toward Monday morning. This morning though, I'm surprised to find that I am looking forward to going to school. I've had a three day weekend, and I am ready to roll up my sleeves and get going. I wrote my first sub plans last week so that I could take Friday off to be with the boys (they had no school), and I want to get in and see how things went in my absence. Sounds a little funny...the sub writing plans for the sub!

I got to bed nice and early last night and Stephen did the one bottle that Gavin is still waking up for. This must be why I found myself staring up at the ceiling, wide awake at 5 am. I'm waiting for my teapot to whistle and I'm going to indulge in some quiet time with my bible - something that happens far too seldom.

As I get ready for my day, so many people are on my heart: my sister, whose divorce was recently finalized; my mom, who is now living in California and is having to deal with homesickness and the sadness of having to place her mom in a nursing home; my mother-in-law, who headed back to New Jersey last week after two weeks of keeping everything together at our house to find that a longtime friend had passed away; one of my oldest friends, who contacted me through Facebook just to say hi - I get a big smile on my face thinking of all time we spent singing into a karaoke machine and "mixing" tracks with various harmonies; my dad, who spends a great deal of time helping his dad and his uncle - both of whom are getting up there in years (will I be as generous when the time comes for me to care for my loved ones?); my future (will I find a teaching job for the fall?); and my husband, who goes to work every day at a job that is stressful and oftentimes thankless - and I know he does it for love of me and the boys.

It's a peaceful feeling, my heart full of people I care about, sitting in the quiet moments before our house becomes chaos with a cup of tea, listening to the birds outside. Now I think I'll go spend a bit of time making sure God knows that I know how blessed I am.

A Tired Mama and a New Computer

What a day! It was one of those days that's not only hectic and tiring for a mom, but utterly exhausting for a little newborn. Gavin and I loaded up in the car and started our day by meeting with Husband and a financial planner at Starbuck's, followed immediately by picking up Kirby and driving him to his piano lesson and back home. Out of the car seat for about 45 minutes to eat and burp, then back in to the van with my sister, nephew, Kirby and Connor to go to the mall to get my computer fixed. Right...that would be my computer that was already on its 3rd hard drive! By the time we got home at 4:30 pm, the little guy had spent 7.5 hours (minus the feeding time) in his car seat. That's just not fair, is it? Don't worry, we all paid for it when he had his very first melt down this evening. Fortunately, he's upstairs asleep right now. It could be an interesting night!

Back to the computer...I'd like to make a shameless plug for Macs. Yes, mine crashed three times, but that company is wonderful to deal with. I have been treated with the utmost professionalism and friendliness every time I've been into the store. You can't put a price tag on getting to deal with someone in person when things go wrong. Today, the woman who was helping me just up and gave me a brand new computer - and upgraded me! It turned my exhausting day right around. I'm now sitting here on my new MacBook Pro. Lucky me!

I'm too tired to write tonight. I'm heading up to bed so I can get a little sleep before someone gets up to eat!

Goodnight

I'm going to bed now. I've gone to bed between 8:30 and 9pm every night for the past several nights. It's the only way I can seem to get by, and I still feel exhausted. Really, I shouldn't complain. The little guy is spacing his night feedings by 4 and 5 hours, but between them, he's up for over an hour fussing and trying to poop. I feel sorry for him - I can tell he's in pain, and I go through my whole playbook of pooping assistance maneuvers every night, just hoping he'll feel better so I can go back to sleep.

I just told Husband good night and mentioned that it's a little depressing going to bed so early when I feel like I want to be up spending time with him. Then, I had to remind myself this is only temporary. I know from past experience that it feels like forever when you're in this stage, but it's just a blip on life's timeline when you look back on it. Can I help it if I'm ready for the "blip"?

Just Too Tired...

I don't know why, but I'm just exhausted the past few days. Maybe the baby is going through some kind of growth spurt and he's sucking up my energy. Maybe it's having to be up at 5:30am. Perhaps it's working again (after such a nice, looooooong break). At any rate, I'm very tired. Too tired to write anything of substance. And besides, I have lots of pictures I want to post and I still can't find my USB cable to download them from my camera.

So, I'm just going to go to bed now. Don't give up on me, I'll try to be back with something more interesting to blog about soon.

Keeping it Real

Here is an article that was recently mentioned by a radio psychologist I like to listen to (Dr. Ray Guarendi). I really took his point to heart. While, personally, I am on Facebook, it has been a love-hate relationship since day one, for reasons I couldn't quite put my finger on, but which are covered in this article:

http://www.usatoday.com/news/education/2009-08-24-narcissism-young_N.htm

I'm not saying that all people who do social networking are self-absorbed or self centered, but there is something about both blogging and social networking that leans toward gratuitousness. It really gave me a good reason to take a look at myself and question why I do it. Pride is a sin I struggle with daily, and I think the only way for me to stay grounded and avoid the kind of self-worship that I sometimes see online is to continually question my own motives. I think it will be a huge responsibility for me and Stephen (and all parents of our generation) to make sure that our kids know how to temper their use of technology with moderation, modesty and humility, and avoid the kind of self-aggrandization that it is so easy to fall into when a person is given the chance to virtually re-create herself.

First Day of School

Yes, yesterday was the first day of school. Yes, I promised photos to Gramma in New Jersey, and Grandpa in California. And yes, I've lost the downloading cable; so I have some really cute photos and no way to post them.

The first day of school was a raging success, with both boys bouncing out of bed instantly and getting dressed in a flash (a very big deal for Connor, who quickly reverted to his Monster-in-the-Morning self today). It went something like this:

1. I cried myself to sleep the night before, in disbelief that my baby was going to school all day.

2. Husband was somehow emotionally crippled and unable to offer me any comfort.

3. Left the house on time - got to school on time (a very big deal, and don't worry, I slipped right back into our usual lateness this morning)

4. Connor went to his room with no fuss, and showing very little fear. He hugged me (but not as long as I would have liked), and kissed me goodbye.

5. Kirby lined up with his class before I could even get a goodbye kiss. I had to track him down in his classroom and take a clandestine photo of him sitting at his big 1st grader desk.

6. I spent the day in pure disbelief that it was a day all to myself. I kept saying "What did my mom do?", and then trying things I think she did when we were at school...like laundry, dishes, talking on the phone - even a nap. What a day!

7. I picked up two happy, hungry, smiling, exhausted kids. Kirby said his favorite part of the day was "the whole first day of school". Connor said his day was "Totally awesome!" He's singing quite a different tune about school than last year - and I must say it makes us happy!

Tomorrow, I have lunch with my sister, who is on the last couple of weeks of maternity leave. We're going to have a long, leisurely lunch and catch up with lots of girl talk. You can do things like that when you don't have a job!

Guess I should enjoy this next four months huh? Pretty soon my days will be more full than I dare imagine!

Lost in the Show

Here is what I've always loved about a good performance: it makes the average person believe that anything is possible. Whenever I see a ballet or a musical I cry - especially during the big musical numbers. I think it's a combination of being moved by the performers, combined with the release I feel when I can completely lose myself in someone else's performance, not to mention the fact that I have always loved to be on stage and for a brief while, I can vicariously experience what it would be like to do it professionally.

Tonight I saw Julie & Julia with one of my friends who is not only an amazing cook, but a mother of four with another on the way. The girl time was much appreciated by both of us, and I think it's safe to say we were pleasantly surprised by just how much we loved the movie. It did for me what no other movie has ever done - which is to move me in the same way a good performance does. By the end of the movie, I not only had the urge to come home and cook Boeuf Bourguignon, but the feeling that I could tackle Julia Child's recipes (which heretofore seemed completely overwhelming to me). I had the feeling that I - a decent cook in my own right, but certainly not a great cook - could tackle the impossible. Ever the romantic, I was completely swept away by the idea that I too could debone a duck.

Two hours passed too quickly, and as we stepped out of the theatre, I was met with the reality that I truly have no desire to cook my way through any cookbook. I'm happy skimming my issues of Cook's Country and watching my favorite Food Network shows. I lack the patience that traditional French cooking would require, and I would far rather cook a meal that takes less time in the kitchen. Still, cliche though it may seem, I do plan to try Boeuf Bourguinon!

This Poetry is Me...

Someone posted this poem in the comments section on a blog I read semi-regularly. I love it.

The Guest House

This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they’re a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.

Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.

– Rumi

Facebook: Another Time-Sucker?

When my sister Megan invited me to join Facebook, I unwittingly clicked "confirm" and set up an account. Immediately, I began getting bombarded with people from my past, wanting to re-up our friendship. At first, it was pretty exciting - after all, I am the queen of nostalgia. But before long, I found the influx of e-mails and notifications overwhelming. Eventually, I figured out how to change my security settings and I've worked out a lot of the kinks.

Now I have a new problem: I feel like I'm back in junior high. This whole Facebook thing has brought about a whole new set of potential social anxieties not unlike those we probably all experienced at some point in our adolescence. There are some people from my past whom I have thought of often, wondered where they are, and wanted to get in touch with. Facebook is perfect for that. The problem is, you soon realize that you don't really have much in common with some of these people. Once you covered the whole where-have-you-been-and-what-have-you-been-up-to-for-the-past-17-years, there's sometimes often left to say.

It was interesting to me that people with whom I was friendly in high school, but with whom I was never really friends suddenly surfaced out of the woodworks; it completely blew my mind when one of the "popular" girls, and some of the big-time party-ers asked me to be their "friend". "Am I supposed to be flattered by this?" I thought. "I had nothing in common with this person before, what could I possibly have in common with them now?" Ultimately I decided that clicking that "confirm" button, and allowing even an aquaintance from the past to become a present friend of sorts might be a polite way of dealing with this. I've been surprised to find that I actually have quite a bit in common with some of the people I reluctantly confirmed. I think having children is the great equalizer, and at the end of the day, I realize that we've all been through our own share of stuff over the years and where we have landed is really what counts.

At the end of the day, I've decided that keeping up my Facebook account it worthwhile. I've made many connections, and of those, there have been a few that have meant a lot to me. I also like being able to keep up with people who are currently a part of my life, but who live far away. My friend Kerri is one of those people. This morning she and I had a fun conversation, waxing philosophical about the impact of this networking site. Her thoughts? Facebook is just another piece of technology sucking our time from us. We both agreed that even though it can often feel like a high school reunion that just went too long, it is probably worth it.

Various and Sundry Thoughts

Here are some random things rolling through my mind. I think some of these could be their own blog, if I wasn't so tired of being at my computer already:

• I can't decide if I love or hate Facebook. It's way too much technology for me. On one hand, I feel like it's a little creepy how people pop up out of the past, on the other hand, I find myself looking up people. I got so excited tonight when I found my freshman roommate and another good college friend - haven't seen or talked to them in many many years.
• We got a hamster. The whole commitment piece of it is freaking me out a little. And I don't care what anybody says about "litter training" a hamster - it's a scam. Either that, or our hamster didn't get that memo.
• Husband has been experimenting with singing an octave lower than normal. Given his propensity to already sing loudly and off-key, this made for some real interesting music at mass this morning.
• I've never put up a Christmas tree so early...I can't believe I put mine up in November! (today, to be exact)
• Kirby had his first big boy punishment today. He had to write "I will control myself" 6 times for showing his hiney to his brother. Seriously...what's the big deal with hineys?
• We've been to quite a few movies with the boys, but never all together. Saw "Bolt" yesterday with all of Team Fed (including Gramma and Pop-pop). There's nothing better than a little kid (especially your own) belly laughing next to you at the movies!
• My father-in-law arrived at our house with four flashlights that he brought all the way from NJ. This is so that he doesn't find himself unprepared should our power go out. It could also be because the light in the guest room has been broken for three years and his son has yet to fix it for him as promised.
• What am I still doing awake? I am going to go start a good book that I've been waiting to read over break. I still have a good couple of projects left, but what the heck?
•