Excuse me, but was it just yesterday that I was waxing nostalgic over not having my own classroom? Let me retract that statement. Today I am quite happy to be where I am! You see, I had my first official subbing job today and to say that it was "from hell" would be an understatement.
Taking this sub job was a very last-minute thing. I had the day off from testing, and was getting ready to take the boys to school at 7:30 this morning, when I got a call from our local school district. The middle school just up the road from us needed coverage for an art teacher for just half a day. "Perfect!" I thought. I was in art all through junior high and high school, I "get" the artsy kind of kids, I've been enjoying working in middle schools, it's close to home, and it's just half day. I left the house feeling confident that I was set for success.
I think my first clue should have been the fact that the teacher, who was about 6'4", with quite a commanding presence, warned me that the last two classes would give me a tough time. I read through his very detailed notes, which included things like "Frank will give you a really hard time, but don't put up with it. If ignoring him doesn't work, just pick up the phone and dial the disciplinarian and she'll come pick him up and take him to the office." He left me the actual names of students who would be helpful and students who would make trouble. Then, gave me the photo roster to familiarize myself with them.
"Well!" I thought (a bit naively) "There is no way I'm looking up the photo of the kids who are supposedly bad - I'll form my own judgment!" Thinking of my experience as a mother, as a student teacher who worked with high schoolers with emotional and behavioral difficulties, and someone who feels comfortable with middle school-aged kids, I informed the teacher that I felt confident I'd be just fine.
Let's just say he was right. BOY WAS HE RIGHT. Every one of the 6 students I had trouble with was on his little list. I didn't even have time to take note of the "helpful" students during the last period. I can't bear the pain of detailing what went down, but I will just say that it was exactly like the scenarios in my textbook from my Classroom Management class. You know, the scenarios that seemed so far out there that I thought "Yeah right!" Well let me just tell you baby, that I was not even remotely in control of the four naughty kids in the last class. (I think I handled the kid who was verbally threatening me in the 2nd class quite well though) I knew things had taken a bad turn when a teacher-looking person with a radio just showed up in the room and started walking around. She was the literacy coach from across the hall and could hear the ruckus, so she came by to lend some support. The kids piped down a bit, so she left. It took very little time before they got crazy again and soon I recognized the principal walking into the class.
"Crap!" I thought, about ready to cry. "I'm that sub! I'm the sub who can't get control of the class! I'll never be asked to sub here again! I'll never get a job in this district!" I should mention here that the kids took very little notice of the principal, who I happen to know is a very respected principal who is known as being quite effective. Next, another door opened and a tall man with a radio came in. "Oh my god, this is a bust! I'm being busted by the school administration!".
"We heard the kids are giving you a hard time in here," the principal said.
"Oh, uh, no. Not too bad." I said unconvincingly. I was still not sure if I should be thankful for the backup, or embarrassed at the fact that it was needed. "Well, uh, actually there are four kids who are making it pretty difficult, but the rest are trying hard to stay focused and do their work."
Names. He wanted names. And I caved. Those four names slipped off my tongue like they were my own. He then spoke to the whole class telling them he was completely embarrassed by their behavior - and the naughty kids kept talking over him! Clearly I was dealing with students who had no respect for anything or anybody, and had no fear of retribution. He left with some threats of calling parents, and asked me to give him more names at the end of the day if I needed to. After school, the AP showed up at the door to recap. He brought me some relief when he told me that the teacher I was subbing for had been having such a hard time with the same two classes, that he had asked the administration for classroom management coaching. When I thanked him for coming in to lend support, he told me that they had been dropping into those two classes periodically anyway because these same kids are such major behavior problems.
Leaving the school, I did not have the fuzzy feeling I had going in. It felt more like doing the "walk of shame", as I was just sure that every teacher who saw me thought, "Poor thing, she's Mr. X's sub - the one who got completely walked on by the kids!"
I called Husband for some sympathy, which he provided along with a ton of encouragement. Then had to drive straight to my own class, where, in sharing the experience with my classmates I burst into tears. I am so grateful to the six or seven people (including my professor) who came up to me after class to tell me their own horror stories from subbing, as well as what it feels like to be the teacher with the class who misbehaves for the sub. Their kindness and encouragement, as well as that of my professor, who (in his sweet, quiet British voice) kept checking on me, meant the world to me.
I am aware that what I experienced today is just a small piece of what it will be like to be a teacher, with my own class. I understand that some days I will soar, and some days I will plummet to the ground. I just hope I can figure out how to get my parachute open next time!
3 comments:
I am so sorry. I can't tell you how many times I had that happen...and I was considered a "good classroom manager." Subbing is HELL for that reason. If this was your own class (thank God it isn't) you would work on establishing rapport and mutual respect. There would be a relationship and you would get it together...I promise! In this situation you and the students know that it isn't long term. There isn't any investment and they didn't care. You are a gifted teacher and will rock the worlds of your future students!!!!
BTW... at least these were middle school kids. They are known for being jerks! I was brought down by elementary school children!! First graders!!!!
Damn kids! :0) You are going to be a great teacher. And Becky is right about everything she said. However, I say this as a warning (which no one ever told me) there will be kids that you never reach. That was a super hard pill for me to swallow. I thought I should be able to get every, single one, but they are on their own learning trajectories. As they say, "When the student is ready to learn, the teacher will appear." I wasn't that teacher and they weren't ready to learn apparently. There are not that many from my 8 years of teaching, maybe a handful, but it still bothers me. It didn't matter what I did, they were hell-bent on not "getting it." Not letting me in. Not responding. Don't let those few be the system on which you grade yourself as a teacher.
And no matter what--never let 'em see you cry. I cried as I was making copies or in the bathroom, never in front of the little bastards! :0) (That's a little tongue in cheek...although I did cry while making copies a couple of time. Oh, I hate to admit that, but teaching is a tough job!)
Laurel is right! Sometimes...it just doesn't happen. I will never forget the year a boy named Nakkada moved to our school. He was one of "my" kids. He qualified for NUMEROUS hours of service in all subjects. He was a fifth grader and had eyes that I swear, at times, were loaned to him by Satan himself!!! I TRIED so hard to get to him. I had been successful (relatively speaking, of course) with his buddy, but I hadn't penetrated his heart a smidge. What was harder was that by November his regular classroom teacher (who is now an INCREDIBLE counselor)had penetrated his little heart and was able to get him to SIT and actually TRY to do some work. I was happy for her...and for him...but it killed me! Why wouldn't he respect me? ME?!?!?! ugh... it was a very difficult year! I really felt like a failure...until...I had a series of little miracles happen with a few other students and I realized that I shouldn't judge my worth by one kid's lack of success WITH ME. I never gave up on him and that was all I could do. When the year was over I thanked God for getting me through and passed the little devil on to middle school!!!!
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