My absence from this blog over the past month has been very intentional. You see, now that I'm working with students, I feel very conscientious of the fact that a simple Google search on their part will unearth a wealth of personal information about me. Now mind you, it's not as if I've been posting anything I would be ashamed of on this blog - no "Moms Gone Wild" - none of that sort of thing. But, I want to be free to write about the feelings that I'm experiencing during this new leg of my Journey, and I don't want to have to worry about young people (or their parents, for that matter!) taking my personal experiences out of context. Know what I mean? I need to feel able to bare my soul. Besides, I owe them some privacy too. Although, you'll note that I do not put any specifics about students or schools where I've been into this blog.
As a result of the above, I have decided to make this a private blog. If you received an invitation by e-mail for this blog, it's because you are someone who has read it from time to time and indicated that you enjoy keeping up with me and my family this way. To tell you the truth, I only sent out 15 invitations, and I love that. It feels nice to know that I'm now sharing myself with an intimate little group, and the spammers in Ghana and Bulgaria can't reach me anymore! (I was getting really tired of their comments!)
So, I've had some e-mail prompts from a few people asking me how school is going. I want to try to sum it up for you - for myself - and I just can't find any better words to articulate it other than...IT IS SO DAMN HARD! (there's a first - cussing on my blog!) Think about the last time you did something that was just hard no matter which way you slice it. I mean, there is not one part of my job that's easy, and some days that's so exhausting that I just feel like I have nothing left over. Does this mean that I'm not enjoying myself? No. Does it mean that I want out? No. Look people, I knew this was going to be hard from the day I first stepped into a classroom as a student teacher three years ago. The thing is, when everything feels hard, you start to doubt yourself. You think, "Can I just get a break here? Can just one thing go smoothly or come easily?" As the wise person I was talking to today said, I am now a journeyman - no longer an apprentice - I've got more experience and knowledge than that. Still, I've got a long way to go until I'm a master.
Humbling. It's just all so humbling. And yet, I have (cue my favorite word) perspective. I know it won't always be like this. One day, five years from now I will look back and remember how hard this was, and thank God that I don't have to be a first year teacher ever again. I will actually take my lunch in the teacher's lounge and try to work on my relational skills instead of wolfing down a Lean Cuisine while standing over my desk and running back and forth from the printer to my office during my 30 minute lunch break that always - and I mean always - ends up being more like 15 by the time I've helped students find their ID's, their planners, their lunch money and open their lockers. I feel confident that I will get there one day, but still, my little ego could really use a dose of "Gosh, you sure know what the heck you're talking about!" self-talk right now. Trouble is, I don't want to lie to myself.
Humbling. I'm teaching kids things that I still have yet to wrap my mind around. Take long division, for example. Today I was trying to explain how it works; why you don't just find how many times 3 "goes into" 12. I was trying to explain that we are actually looking at groups of three, and trying to see how many groups of 3 are in one ten and 2 ones (or, 12 for those of you educated pre-No Child Left Behind). I really thought I had it. I was on a roll, and then all of a sudden my mind twisted up on itself and I heard myself saying things I couldn't even identify. I looked out onto a sea of stunned confusion. I had officially confused them more than they already were to begin with! Please...can I get a break here?
Perhaps this is why I'm still cycling. No longer a dabbler, I've adopted it whole-heartedly. And while I haven't been able to get out more than once a week (I'm a true weekend warrior), I now consider it my hobby. In fact, I'm smitten with cycling. I love the release that it's given me over this past month. When I'm staring down the barrel of a hill that seems like more than I feel capable of, I just tell myself, "Are you kidding? You teach middle school! You teach middle school SPECIAL ED! You are doing the hardest job you've ever done...on so many levels. You can do this!". Conversely, when I'm in school, I sometimes have to transport myself back to that hill and remind myself, "You just rode 33 miles yesterday, you can handle this 13 year old with a self-destructive attitude."
And so, while this entry lacks any sort of detail whatsoever, it does tell you where I am personally with things. The details will come in time, when I feel ready to approach them in writing, and when they will seem to fit more naturally.
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