Climbing Mountains

Today, I had the realization that sometimes I make mountains out of molehills. Every Sunday since the middle of August, I have spent the entire day with a knot of anxiety in my stomach - gripping at my throat - in anticipation of returning to work the next day. Yesterday, it seemed almost crippling. Today, as I began to churn through my daily schedule, I had to stop for a moment and wonder what all the hype is about?

Sure, my job is quite stressful. I have more to do than there are hours in the day (like every other teacher in America). I'm still trying to figure out how to balance work with family. I still get very little sleep. But you know what? My job is actually not as bad as I tend to make it out to be each Sunday. My sister suggested that maybe I'm going through a little bit of a grieving period every weekend because I actually have to go to work. I will say that's possible. After being able to call my own shots for the past six years, it is hard knowing that I absolutely HAVE to be somewhere by 7:10am. I may be feeling a little fenced in. Regardless, by the end of the day I realized that I essentially wasted my entire Sunday this past weekend feeling anxious and nervous.

My boys seem to be settling in too. It hasn't been an easy adjustment, but I am proud to say that they've really come through. They are absolute troopers about being at school until 4 or 4:30 every day. They never complain (okay - they did complain the day that I didn't pick them up until 5:30pm - I felt so guilty - but it was only one time!). I think we may even be settling in to a routine here. It is though, a very precarious routine at best. It kind of reminds me of a teeter-totter. We've got things balanced just right, but don't put anything extra on either side, or someone is bound to sink! For instance, don't try to throw in extracurricular activities - we've all but given up on those! There simply isn't time. Connor still plays soccer - but Kirby has decided to take the season off (with the blessing of his parents). I'm holding it together, but if I had stayed enrolled in my master's class? NOT PRETTY. We've pulled Kirby out of piano lessons - a move that absolutely devastated me - and he's being intermittently tutored by me (unfortunately for him, his lessons never surpassed my experience!). I just simply cannot take on anything more than we're doing.

I figure that as working full time and being a full-time mom become a more familiar balancing act, and as Gavin gets a little older (and sleeps more), we will gradually be able to add back in the elements that give our life a little variety. We will inevitably spend our spring at baseball or soccer practices and games, and I hope by that time, I feel like a little bit less of a rookie.

And incidentally - my baby has one and a half teeth!